The Price to Pay

Begin Date:20-Mar-01

Finish Date:20-Mar-01

Author’s Note:

This is another of Shasari’s dreams. I must admit that this one was not nearly as traumatic for me to write, but certainly equally as profound.

I have, at times, made meager attempts to explain the simple things like why I choose to work in cages with solitary predators that both outmass and -strength me by many times over. It’s not something that can easily be put into words.

It’s not about words. It’s about feelings and emotions. It’s not about insanity, even though the very real fact that they could kill me certainly exists. It’s about being content. It’s about finding that one thing - or several things - in life that brings you absolute peace. So when you finds that thing - those things - then you do it. At all costs.

Life has been said to be a quest for finding peace. If that’s the case, then I have succeeded in life, for I have found my peace and tranquility. I’ve found my contentment. And it’s to be in proximity to the cats that I love, and know that they love me back in return. So again, it has nothing to do with words. It’s about the simple pleasures: the gentle belly rub in exchange for a purr or chuff, the scratch across the shoulders for an affectionate headrub.

In short, until you’ve been there for yourself, and have been doing that thing that truly makes you content inside, down the to very depths of your soul, then no amount of words can explain it. But take my word for it, that it becomes more important than life itself. It’s about the passions that you have come to live for. It’s about the passions that you would endeavor to pass on to everyone around you. And it’s about the passions that you would die to protect.

Does any of that mysteriously remove the futility of the plight of extinction? Perhaps not. But when all is said and done, when the last creature of whatever species that you choose to have affinity with passes away from this fragile planet, what will you have as keepsakes? Pictures in books? Articles in magazines? Descriptions in encyclopedias? And what will your soul have? Will there simply be a despair that for a time will be difficult to overcome? Or will there be a void, a hole, a rend in the very fabric of your soul, because a piece of yourself has passed away as well?

For me, I will have my many pictures. I will have my many thoughts and emotions. I will have forever my many memories. But more than all those, I will have the solace amidst the vacancy in my spirit, that I did my part in the battle for the survival of a few of these creatures. I took up my sword and I fought my fight. I picked up my shield, and I shed my blood in the still futile battle.

How about you? What will you have when the battle had finally ended? What price do you pay for the salvation of those that you love most? What cost do you sacrifice that they might go on living?

Maybe you know the answers to those questions already. Perhaps you don’t. And if not, then your quest continues. But when you do find your answers, when you do come at last to that place that brings your soul profound peace, when you do find at last, that absolute contentment of spirit, then you too will have achieved nirvana. And only then will you know the gift that these animals and given to you.

Original Comments from Shasari:

I was sitting in a corner of a room. I didn't see much detail of the room since my affections/attentions were focused on a 5 month old female Siberian tiger cub. She was laying half in my lap and I was stroking her head, back of the ears etc. Either this person/spirit was there the whole time or just appeared - anyway the spirit that appeared was that of a middle-aged female human - in her 20's or 30's. All she said was 'I'm here for Natasha'. I felt very sad, and I said 'No, take me instead' and I put my hand on hers - immediately after doing so I saw my hand up to my mid-forearm glow bright gold - and I was shortly after standing behind myself watching my body fall to the floor from a sitting position. There was never any malice or anger in the spirit that came to collect Natasha - nor was there any when I took her place in the dream - there was just calm gentle acceptance of my choice. Natasha though felt sad that I was leaving but accepted it.

A Life to Gamble With

It was just a matter of time. That’s what the vet said. But I had fought anyway. Only now did I come to realize that it was all so futile.

She was only five-months-old. Not much of a life. For her, it had started out all wrong. Her parents had both been malnutritioned: strike one. The “owner” of them all didn’t have a clue as to the care and husbandry of big cats, let alone the care and needs of their kittens: strike two. So Natasha had endured almost four months of neglect before she came to me: strike three.

I don’t know when the vet had left. Hours ago? A day? I didn’t know. Time had become subjective, as I just sat there, holding the 30 pound kitten on my lap. She was so small. So fragile. So totally underweight.

If only fate would have been different for her... This tiny kitten...

She was so beautiful. How much more beautiful she would be if the spirits and guardians and gods and entities of the universe would allow her to grow up to be the healthy, 500 pound Siberian tigress that she had the potential of being. If only things were different... If only there were means that I could alter the past... Or the future...

I forced myself to look up and over at my clock that sat on the bedside table: 3:07am. The darkest hour of night. Where not even the moon dares to shine. Nay: the darkest hour of life, where even the last thread of hope slips from your grasp and is finally lost. Futility... It’s that place that you come to at the end of a long, long, fruitless journey. It’s that long and trying battle that is eventually lost, in spite of the strength and prowess that you showed during it.

I looked back to the tiny life that rested there in my lap. I stared back into the eyes that never left my face. She didn’t sleep. Always, she just watched.

It was such pain for me to look into those eyes. There was total trust there. She never doubted for a moment that I would remain steadfast in my convictions for her. She never doubted my endurance to maintain the battle on her behalf. And even now, when I had done all that there was for me to do, the trust was still there.

Didn’t she know that I had failed? Didn’t she know that the person that she trusted had lost the most sacred of battles that she had entrusted me to fight? But still there was trust.

But the pain I felt was a far overshadowing burden to my soul. It was to watch that bright candle-light in the back of those eyes slowly start to grow dim. It was to stare into her eyes and see the very glowing of her life start to fade. Oh what a burden that was to bear!

I closed my eyes for just a moment. The weight of the entire universe seemed to rest there on my shoulders.

It may have been only a few seconds, or perhaps several minutes, but I opened my eyes again at the feeling of a slight chill in the air. I knew instantly what it was: Death had come for my kitten.

Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe I was asleep and dreaming. But the figure that stood there before us was so very vivid in my sight. Natasha’s head turn just enough that her eyes could take in the sight of the figure. For just a moment, her face turned to the same, happy glee that I had become so fond of over the few weeks. She let out just a little bit of a chuff to the figure.

I too found myself looking up at the figure. It wasn’t anything like what I expected.

What might Death look like? I guess I had never really thought about it. The apparition looked to be a female of perhaps thirty years. Maybe it was more. Or maybe less. How does one estimate the age of an apparition? The figure reached out her almost glowing arm towards Natasha. I tensed instantly. Protectively. The tiger kitten struggled to rise, chuffing again, to step towards the outstretched hand.

“No!” I said.

My hands that had not long ago been stroking Natasha’s fur affectionately now held her back, guarding her from the apparition that would steal her very life away from her. Didn’t Natasha know who this was?

The figure’s hand stopped.

“You can’t have her!” I said, my voice having taken on a tome that even I had never heard from myself before.

The apparition’s hand withdrew. For the first time, the strangely beautiful face turned to return my own gaze at her. The strange, malevolent and obscene anger that had welled up in me seemed to dissipate with her gentle expression. A smile? Would Death really offer me a smile?

Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe this wasn’t Death at all. Maybe this was some spirit-guardian. Maybe it was Natasha’s Spirit-Guardian that had come to take her back to a place where mankind could never harm her again: where she would only know tranquility and solace, and forever frolic and play as the kitten that she had never gotten to be in this cruel world that she had been born in.

“I just want her to be happy,” I said. “I don’t want her to die.”

And the Spirit-Guardian still smiled at me.

For just a moment, I wasn’t sure if it was really a voice, or if perhaps it was only a thought that she whispered into my head.

“She will know peace.”

I think it was then I realized the tears that were streaming down my face.

And in a moment, Natasha chuffed weakly again. The Spirit-Guardian looked back to her, and then reached out a second time.

“No, please! I beg you!”

But I knew that I faced another futile battle. Who was I to combat against a Spirit-Guardian? And why should I? Didn’t I have the assurance that Natasha would know peace? That’s what the apparition had said. Surely I didn’t doubt her. Surely a place of serene peace was better than the hell that Natasha had faced here.

“Can’t you save them?” I asked, the angered tone coming back into my voice.

Surely a Spirit-Guardian would have the power to prevent the tigers of this fragile globe from becoming extinct. Wouldn’t she? Wouldn’t an entity that had traveled from however far away, merely to collect the soul of a kitten, have the sovereignty to prevent such an atrocity?

“I’d do anything to save them,” I declared, letting all my hates and passions, all my sorrows and joys culminate together in those words.

Again, the apparition reached out for the tiny kitten. The anger welled up again.

“You can’t have her,” I hissed.

The Spirit-Guardian withdrew her hand again, and turned her gaze once again to me. She was not smiling any longer. Her face had lost some of that beauty that I had so clearly seen but a moment ago. And this time, I was sure that the apparition spoke aloud.

“And you would choose to pay for that salvation with her life?”

Again, the anger fizzled abruptly.

What might be the price to save the creatures most sacred to me from extinction? The life of a singly tiny kitten? Wouldn’t it be a noble sacrifice for her, for the redemption of her kind? Yes. It would. And For just a moment, I was almost compelled to open my mouth and say exactly that. But I didn’t.

What right did I have over Natasha? Certainly I had filled the role of being guardian to her in this meager life that she had had, for all the good that it had done her. But no. I didn’t have that right to gamble with her life. There was only one life that I had such authority with.

“No. With my own.”

Again, all the joys and sorrows, all the compassions and angers that had driven me for so long, all rode there on that declaration.

The Spirit-Guardian then turned fully to me, facing me.

And this time, as her smile once again came to her beautiful face, she reached out for me.

“Then so it shall be. They will not go extinct.”

I felt the strange warmth as the Spirit-Guardian’s hand touched my own. I looked down to where her hand rested. A strange, golden glow, slowly moved upwards on my arm, with it flowing the gentle warmth.

My view shifted suddenly. For a moment I was disoriented, and then the world stabilized for me. But things were not the same.

I watched as the body that had been mine exhaled its last and slumped back slightly in the chair. The hand that had been held up to touch the Spirit-Guardian’s dropped the small distance to once again rest across Natasha’s shoulders. My last caress to her silken fur...

Natasha turned to look at me. The bright, candle-light had returned full-glow to her eyes. She stood, a strangely renewed strength in her tiny body.

I glanced to the Spirit-Guardian, confusion taking me.

“You said she would know peace.”

The apparition looked different. It looked much more opaque now. More solid.

“She will. Her place is here now.”

I turned to Natasha again. Her bright and happy face stared up at me. She reached out a delicate paw towards me as if to take my hand. And she chuffed at me.

Do Spirit-Guardians cry? I think that maybe they do. Because I know that whatever it was that I had become, I felt the tears of immense joy run down my face. What price had I really paid? I don’t know. Perhaps I will never know. But it didn’t matter.

Natasha would know peace. The tigers would not perish. They would live. My two greatest passions that I had in life, had been fulfilled.

And what of after-life? I don’t know. Perhaps I too was about to become a Spirit-Guardian.

For just a moment, Natasha’s face changed. Her paw reached out, and I extended my hand to touch it. I suppose it should’ve have surprised my that I could.

“Don’t be sad, Natasha. I think maybe I’ll see you again.”

And the little tiger chuffed at me again.

“Come,” the Spirit-Guardian said. “We must go.”

I took just a moment to stroke behind the ears of the kitten for the last time.

Of all the peace and joy in the universe, it was that night that I had been allotted my share. My greatest joys had been fulfilled.

Natasha had life. But not just that…

The tigers had life.

And they would get to keep it.